Last week I had my last ballet/modern dance class of the
season. The recital is tomorrow, and I will not be on stage this year. And I’m
OK with that. I really, really enjoyed taking dance again even though it was a
bit of a slow process in feeling comfortable taking the same class as talented
teenagers and equally as talented and uber-impressive adults who have been
dancing since they were tots and have not stopped despite growing older and having
children.
I decided not to do the recital this year after much thought
and consideration. It was a hard decision, because when I start something, I
really like to see it through to the end. I learned the choreography (well, for
the most part), and practiced it numerous times throughout this class but I
really am a perfectionist at heart and even though I believe I kept up pretty
well with the much more experienced dancers, my best was still nowhere near how
good I would have wanted it to be in order to perform it to my standards on
stage. A group is only as strong as its weakest link and in this case, I am
that person and I didn’t want any wobbles or stumbles or missteps of mine to
throw anyone else off during the routine. But my little dancing girls and I
will be happily watching and supporting my fellow dancers from the audience.
I know that sounds like I’m being a bit down on myself, but
really I am proud of what I accomplished during these past several months. My
body has responded really well to the physical demands of dance (despite the
bruises), and I have started to get some muscle definition back. My flexibility
has increased, as has my balance (as you will see in the pictures below); but
most importantly, my confidence has really come back.
An epiphany of sorts…
Losing weight is a great thing (when it is done properly and
gradually with proper diet and lifestyle choices), but even once the weight is
lost, body image issues still remain. And though one might think the negative comments
from people would stop, but I found that they didn’t; they just shifted.
I have come to realize that the word “skinny” can be just as
hurtful and offensive as the word “fat”.
When you gain weight, or can’t lose baby weight, you have to
hear whispers of stuff like “I just don’t understand it…no one else in the
family ever had trouble losing baby weight”…or “wow, you look…voluptuous…” …or “well
Marilyn Monroe was a size 14 so don’t feel bad.”
Well now I hear stuff like “you know you’re older now…you’d
look better with a little more meat on your bones”…” or “wear something that comes up higher
on top. Your bones are showing and it’s really not flattering”…or “here have
some sausage, and a burger, and some dessert”…and “now, make sure you don’t
lose anymore because you got too skinny.”
At first it really bothered me because I felt like I wasn’t
good enough when I was overweight so I busted my butt (literally) to lose it
and now apparently I’m not good enough at this weight either. I realized that
no matter what, people will always have something to say whether they are
well-meaning and just don’t find the right words; or if they are jealous and
insecure about their own bodies/lives and feel the need to transfer that on someone else.
I’m through caring about it. I know that I feel great in my own skin (and
bones), I achieved this weight the right way, and I know that this is the
weight my body wants to be at because I eat a LOT of good, healthy foods. Now
that that’s off my chest…
Back to dance.
So if you remember, in one my first posts about my return to
dance class I included a picture of a ballet dancer doing a grand plié. Remember her?
I wrote how I could do a great demi-plié (halfway down) but
fell over whenever I went for the grand plié. Well look at me now (and don’t mind
the clutter in the background…obviously this was a semi-spontaneous photo shoot
after a ballet workout)!
It’s not perfect…but I’m on my feet, not the floor! I’m
certain that I will get down lower with more time and practice. I can also do a
pretty nice arabesque without falling over…well most of the time (note the blurry
hands and virtually hear me saying “take the damn picture before I fall” through
a clenched smile).
Anyway, it’s all good and I am really happy and will
definitely continue dance class. I had made a suggestion to the dance studio a
few months ago that a non-recital class for adults would be just great and it
turns out they are offering one in the fall called Ballet Stretch. I’m so
there. Meanwhile, over the summer I will get my Latin grooves on with some
Zumba (now THAT’s something to see).
2 comments:
I am right there with you about the fact that everyone has an opinion about too fat and too skinny. When I was a child, from about age seven on, I was extremely underweight. I had such a poor body image consequently, because of all the teasing and "well-meaning" comments. I continued that "too thin" stature all through adolescence with a chest flatter than a pancake and protruding hip bones that would get caught on door knobs. Ouch! I wondered what was wrong with me when my busty girlfriends were getting all the dates. It was when I stopped caring about my body as much and concentrated on my many talents and my brains and became happy making friends based on that. I was even an underweight adult until I became pregnant with my first child. That was you, of course. I even struggled keeping weight on after having a set of twins. The combination of single motherhood and working just burned all the good food I was trying to sustain myself with. Finally, as I approached my later 30's and 40's I began to actually have a womanly shape. I learned to nurture the child within myself and it was a much easier journey after that. Your Mom
Gotta love the well meaning people. I think that when it comes to anyone's weight at all, it's kind of the same scenario as when you suspect someone's pregnant...just don't say anything at all except for "you look great".
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